You can keep your fancy food. I have Slim Jims

My thoughts on backpacking food are simple. I understand I need to take food with me. That’s pretty much where the trail ends. As blasphemous as it might be these days when you can seemingly find a great meal anywhere, food doesn’t pop my tent. I mean, I like when it tastes great, and I can appreciate the art of someone who really understands how to prepare food. It’s just not my thing, never been my thing, and at this point, it’s probably never gonna be my thing.

To me, going out to dinner is nothing more than forced sitting with the added benefit of free bread and fancy butter.

So this weekend I’m headed into the woods to hike. Yes, I’m bringing food and yes, it’s probably going to turn your stomach.

Here’s a brief lineup of the cuisine I have planned.

1. Ramen, lots of ramen. If I feel adventurous, I’m going to sprinkle in a Slim Jim and maybe some instant potatoes.

2. Plain bagels. This is where I let my inner chef shine. I’m likely going to be making sandwiches out of either bagged pepperoni or salami. If I’m lucky, I’ll have some Slim Jims left over that I can mash and smear onto the bagel for added spice. It’s entirely possible I’ll be dipping said sandwiches in hot sauce.

3. Trail mix.

Let’s see … yep, that’s about it. The added bonus of this diet is I’m pretty sure when I find Bigfoot, not even he is going to want my food. That’s good, it will leave us more time to chat.