“Oh Father, I cheated on my wife with my neighbor’s wife and then ran over her husband’s cat in anger…”
“That will be four Hail Mary’s and six Our Fathers and you are forgiven.” Gotta love #Catholicism!
So here I am, the guilty Catholic (even though I’m more of a “Universe” kinda girl these days) go figure… feeling guilty. I told a lie, and since I don’t have a priest on speed dial, I guess my diary will do. So forgive me diary for I have sinned… The truth will set me freeeeee!
THE LIE: (texts):
Me: Hey Ron, it’s Kennedy, just wanted to let you know that I was having a sick dance party last night, maybe you saw it on my Insta story (which I made sure that he did before texting him this bullshit), and my crazy ass dance moves landed me in the hospital with a super-bad twisted ankle. (Which he already knew because after the “dancing video of me falling” came the fake ride to the ER, me in the waiting room, then a boomerang of my foot wrapped up in a bandage and me with a super sad face.) DON’T JUDGE, I needed to sell this!
Ron (My trainer): Not a problem, Kennedy. Just let me know what day you want to come in, and I will adjust your plan so that we can avoid your foot! I hope you are feeling better soon.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Is he out of his mind!?! It’s cool, I just sent back, “Oh, and I found out that I have the bird flu too, so I will see you in a month if I survive.” I’m 99% sure that he totally bought it.
I mean normally I am the most honest person. BUT, after two rigorous 30-minute sessions with Ron, one leading to a blackout and the other leading to my head in a trashcan with my lunch coagulating at the bottom, there was no way in hell I was showing up when the third session came around! I have come to terms with the fact that this is and will forever be my body, and I am done trying to change it! For a minute there, I was torn between seeing Ron, eating super healthy and getting the body that I have always wanted OR eating a pizza, telling a lie and hopping on this “body positive, I’m thick and happy” train. Well I told the lie, and man it feels good being #bodypositve. I also ate the pizza … all of it. So that’s my sin, my epic lie. Phew! It feels good to get that off my chest!
Now for my penance. For my sin I will do four flights of stairs (the ones leading to my apartment), one calf raise (where I stand on my tiptoes to reach the ice cream in the back of the fridge, one squat (to throw away the empty gallon of ice cream container) and lastly 40 steps, all of them from the couch to the fridge and back again for the other 4 snack trips I will be making later. I think that is the perfect penance for my little white lie! So don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here, repenting for my sins.
Till next time,