It’s my mo’ fk’n Birfday! The big 37 today… I know that’s not a milestone b-day, but what I have learned over time is to really appreciate the ones in between. Why, you ask? Well let me share with you just a few of my fondest birthday memories…
Let’s start with my Sweet 16. Me and Trouble became friends at a very young age. My parents had taken my 6-year-old brother and I to the beach to celebrate my special day. There is nothing better than sea salt in my hair and boardwalk fries in my mouth on a hot August day. It felt like I had waited forever for this birthday to come, and here it was! Aug. 14, 1998. Jesus, I’m old… like do most people even remember 1998?! Anyway… It was a perfect day to turn 16 and get into a little bit of trouble. Crazy thing is, that back then there were no cell phones (gasp!) or mobile internet (double gasp), so if you got lost or separated from someone you were SCREWED! Well, that’s exactly what happened to me. I got separated from my friends and parents on the boardwalk during the sunset rush and needless to say, it was very scary. That first stomach drop when you realize you’re lost and you have nowhere to go or anyone you know to turn to… all I could do is think, this is it, I’ve been dealt fate worse that being lost at the grocery store. I was lost, never to be seen again.
Luckily for me, as I was walking down the boardwalk, a group of smokin’ hot shirtless senior grads happened to be there to help me in my time of need, my heroes… and by be there for me I mean we all piled into this super cool Camaro and one of the guys wrapped me up in his big strong arms and ever so softly pressed my face up against his pecks, oh God the pecks… (insert me drooling over this moment, thank you for this memory, happy fkn b-day to me). Ahhh,snap out of it! Then we drove to their beach rental, where I rolled around making out with the hot bearded leader for the next two hours. I had never seen a beard on a guy other than my dad, this was confusing to a 16-year-old me, but that didn’t stop me from experiencing my first face brush burn. Too much? HA!
Once the sun came up, the boys took me for breakfast, popped a candle in my pancakes and sang to me “Happy Birthday.” It was in this moment that I understood what heaven would look like for me. Well, that was until later that day that it turned into my own persona hell. I somehow made it back to my parent’s hotel and crawled into my bed pretending like I had been there all along just sleeping. I mean they would never notice, right? Wrong! Boy, did they noticed. They noticed so much so that they called the police and put out a statewide Amber Alert for me… and that was that. Sixteen, my dream birthday that ended with the police and a hand so hard across my face that I still feel it when it rains. Oh my Sweet 16. #memories
Eighteen wasn’t as exciting for me. I mean, 16 was a birthday hard to live up to, but it was a little too exciting for my 21-year-old boyfriend who was over-the-moon that he could finally, legally have sex with me… classy. Twenty-one was a MESS!!! There were fights, balls, beers, boys and no fk’n birthday booty! That was the first and last year that I would ever not get laid on my spectacular day of birth! Then, my very dirty 30. The details of this story will have to be told another day, but let’s just say not everything on my 30th was big. Good thing the private party had the #1 DJ in North Carolina, a few very well-known pro ballers, a personal performance of “Happy Birthday” from a “Voice” celeb and a three-tiered cake that I would end up devouring with my bare hands in the middle of the night due to both my drunkenness and my disappointment of the bouncer who I took home’s short-comings.
Soooo ya, my milestones have always been pretty out-of-control, but 37 I just want to be…nice. LOTS of Bunny Birthday Booty, but just nice…
Till next time.