Well shit… a year later and it’s over. He left me … ME!!?? I cannot even begin to contemplate how this could happen. I mean, did I gain a little bit of weight? Yeah, maybe a little. C’mon, 20 pounds is not THAT bad. Did I know that we weren’t right for each other from the very beginning but forced it due to my never-ending fear of dying alone? Yup, that was definitely a thing. Did we fight all the time because his family and his ex-wife made my life a never ending pit in hell, oh yeah. Did he stop having sex with me 6 months into the relationship? YA HE DID!!!! WHAT THE F@*# AM I UPSET ABOUT!? I’m free bitches!!! FREEEEE!!!!
I think that I am my favorite version of myself right after a break-up. Motivated, driven and always trying to live my best life. I’m totally that ARMY slogan, just over here, being all that I can be. Why the hell didn’t I do this sooner? I’m back in the gym feeling like a snack as I bend over to do… some sort of exercise that I don’t know the name of, but it requires me to pose downward doggy for the hot blonde behind me. I can see it in his eyes as I watch him look me up and down in the mirror, this wonderful bending motion has just made him realize that he needs to break up with his hot and super-ripped girlfriend Tiffany and jump on top of all this curvy thickness (or he just walked away because the sex goddess that I see in the mirror, to him, might look like I’m having some sort of mental malfunction). NOOOOOOO, don’t leave me Brad! I’m FINE, I swear!!! Oh well… time for the hydro massage chair – now THIS is my favorite part of the gym. I must say, after not having sex for 6 months and watching Brad for the past hour, I think that I’m enjoying when the jets hit a certain area a little too much. Ohhhhh Brad….
Anyway… SCREW Brad! Who needs him?! I’M BACK BITCHES!!! Single Kennedy in full form. In addition to my attempts at exercise, I’ve been eating super healthy! I’ve been trying the vegan thing, eating salads, intermittent fasting, you know, all the healthy stuff. Honestly, who needs a burger or a taco… or fried chicken… or ice cream… (insert a minor breakdown as the tears stream down my face) when you have a yummy vegan hummus pod and a protein shake? ME! I do, I NEED ALL OF THE FOOD!!! I am freaking starving!!! So here it comes, the full breakdown, the relapse.
I was stopped at the light by my house the other day staring at the beautiful golden arches on the corner and I literally whispered, I miss you. I don’t know if it’s the break up or the diet that did it, but something broke me that day. I think you pretty much already know where I’m going with this, my breakdown phase is NOT pretty. Yesterday I got all ready in my too-expensive-for-someone-who-hasn’t-worked-out-in-forever Lululemon outfit and just drove right past the gym and right into the drive-through of the Taco Bell across the street. I mean it is ACTIVE-wear, and I actively sat in the park watching people run as I inhaled my favorite cheesy potato griller washing it down with large pink lemonade. It was bad, real bad, just a troll and her tacos, but I guess that’s all part of healing after a man rips out your heart and devours it for breakfast with his morning coffee. I have to say though, the King of Burgers, the pasty clown, and that cute little freckled redhead will ALWAYS know just what I need (as one single tear of pure love for them falls on these pages as I write).
So that’s it. I’m single, YET again, but something tells me that even though I’m hurt, a little broken and have about 20 pounds of relationship weight to lose, I think I’ll be alright!
Till next time,