So a week into single life and I gotta tell ya, freedom is SWEET! The sun is shining a little brighter, the air smells a little sweeter, my pants are fitting a little better… I won’t lie, that last one is probably due to the 3 1⁄2 breakdowns I’ve had this week, but damn if I don’t look good. Splitting up with someone who has been in your life for a while is a lot harder than I remember it being. I surrounded myself with him, became consumed, obsessed. Actually saying that out loud right now really makes me question my mental status throughout the entire relationship. I can just picture me in bed with him, rubbing his head hunched over him repeating, “MY PRECIOUS.” Ya, it’s official. I’m freakin’ weird. He was my addiction, even though it was never a fit and we couldn’t be worse for each other. I couldn’t get enough; the love that I made up in my head became a drug. Seriously, can we talk about the all knowing and wise Kesha?! DUDE, love is a drug, and he was my heroin.
Shake it off Kennedy… focus…
I gotta stop sulking. It’s time to get clean, and in the words of Toni Braxton, “breathe again.” So I decide to listen to the advice of a much younger me. “In order to get over one, you must get UNDER another.” I know, younger me was a ho. So I dust off the ol’ bumble and a few parts of myself and get to it. As I start to swipe, I slowly start to forget about all the pain the last one left in my heart and begin to get — whats a good word? — elated! Overjoyed! Just so excited about the unbelievable selection of beautiful men I get the chance to do, well, whatever the hell I want to do to them! EEKKKK!!!
Now, being that I am almost 37, dating absolutely SUCKS for me. (Here is where I show my age.) When I was younger… Jesus, I’m my mother. I remember going to the mall and meeting a cute guy in the food court. We’d work up the nerve to talk to each other, I’d give him my number and THEN you wait. You wait for six hours by the house phone (landline), praying that this little shit would call! Talk about sexual frustration and buildup! Ohhhh but when that first kiss came around, HOLY SHIT did it shoot straight to my … well, you get the picture. Oh, the good ol’ days. NOW, you can swipe, have a man in and out of bed with you and the door slamming on his ass on the way out in under 30 minutes! I cant even get Domino’s delivered to me that fast anymore, and now I want pizza. FOCUS!
OK, so here’s the breakdown. I started small and matched with 50. Out of the 50, I attempted some form of conversation with maybe 25. Out of the 25, I gave 10 my number, from the 10, I spoke with five and currently have a date planned with a whopping ONE on Friday. Sooo by my calculations I need to swipe for the next year and expand my willing-to-drive to radius to, I’m thinking, about four states. THIS SUCKS!!!!!! Where is my cabana boy in 30 minutes or less!? The selection may be good in the looks department, but that’s about it!
I actually had a guy fight with me on the phone — we literally have never met — about Christmas! WHO FIGHTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS??? He said that we would never work because of how I decorate my tree! WTF am I dealing with!? Another guy politely asked me for pictures. No, no, not nudes, but he did however want pictures of the bottoms of my FEET! (SMH) Times are freaking weird!
Honestly, I’m really only on this stupid thing cause I just want the attention and to be told that I’m pretty! However, I’m starting to think that I can just look in the mirror and say it to myself, instead of dealing with all this insanity, “To all the ladies that are currently on this God-awful site, may the Lord be with you as you walk through the valley of BULLSHIT BROS!”
On that note, at least out of all the twos I seem to have at least found one 10 willing to go out with me. Let’s call him … Bunny! Why, you may ask? Two reasons: 1. He’s as cute as a bunny, and 2. I hope that he has other attributes of rabbits (teehee). If I have to explain that, you’re too young to be reading this. Give the phone back to mommy!
WISH ME LUCK and If you don’t hear from me again, I have most likely been tied up and kidnapped. DO NOT SEND HELP!!!!! (wink)
Till next time.