Well I am finally put back together after one hell of a weekend! Whoever said that life gets boring when you get older OBVIOUSLY hasn’t ever met me and my badass girl gang. Let’s just say animal print, endless bottomless mimosas (that p.s. turns out there is actually a bottom to) and a wild group of girls makes for one interesting Sunday Funday. I mean, what could go wrong, right? Who knew that we’d end up stealing a souped-up golf cart and end up off-roading in soaking wet spanks at all hours of the night?
So what had happened was… (lol) I am already cracking up and cringing at the memories that thank God I didn’t forget!
Shera, my fellow lioness Goddess, yes, that’s her name and oh does it suit the amazon queen… Standing at 5’10”, which I just assume is her height since I have yet to see her not wearing some form of designer stiletto, weighing in at a whopping… (SHAME ON YOU, a lady never reveals her weight!) rocking red lips, a beautiful brown bob and draped in a head-to-toe leopard spaghetti strapped jump suit. She’s just simply fk’n fabulous! She’s planned a bougie brunch for the girls, which we do monthly and usually it is pretty tame. Just gossip and gifts, purse talk and pics, but when the theme is animal print it’s bound to get a little wild.
Ready for this? The whole group of them is like that! Which makes it hard to live up to their impossible beauty standards. I chisel my face and prune my hair for hours before even attempting to be seen in public with this group of goddesses. I stuff my body into the tightest pair of full-body spanks that could pass as a not-so-stylish nude version of the WWE costumes. Divas beware, Bland Blanche is coming for you next on Smackdown. So needless to stay, they are Fem Fierce! Think of the Spice Girls … no, no, the fem rat pack … uh nope, not even, dare I say, the Kennedys have this pristine style that these gorgeous gals have and now you’ve added ANIMAL PRINT! We needed to have a female waitress because the men that tried to serve us kept passing out … not really, but that’s how it played out in my head.
SOOOO fabulous Shera plans this epic brunch, but the problem is when you have this many feisty women in one place, shenanigans are bound to ensue. Gossip and stories of scandal, therapy sessions about family, hard times and fights with husbands and bunnies are had. All we need at this point is a couch, but the booze does a good job of being a safe place to land. Laughter fills the room of the snooty rich white women that scowl at us as we have “too much fun.” Tarts and treats fill our mouths, and the gin washes it all down. Brunch is a total success, BUT for some of us, we haven’t quite had our fill.
It’s on to the next adventure … corn-hole, stories, beer, hats, Quakers (don’t ask), hugs, Polaroids and so much fun, this is where the night should have ended, but come on, what the hell fun is that? The smart ones head home to their loved ones and finish their days. Whereas the remaining four of us make the last stop of the evening – Dollie’s place/ her fiancé’s family home. There are pizza and pups, oh and a pool! After two more beers, this stuffed sausage in all her glory cannon balls right into the deep end making quite the fashion splash in my beautiful beige spanks. It’s almost like I was rockin’ 1920s swim fashion, #retro. I mean, it is better than the latter … let’s be honest, if there were no boys there, I’d be in the nude instead of wearing it.
The four of us finally start to say our goodbyes, but then Dollie spots it in her neighbor’s garage: a souped-up golf cart, something that looked too cool for the course, with thick tread tires perfect for off-roading. It was in that moment that we knew memories would be made … and away we went.
So my 11 a.m. brunch turned into an all-day adventure, and I can’t say enough how much I need that in my life. Did I lose multiple hours of much+needed beauty sleep? Yup. Did I suffer a grueling hangover the next day? Ya. Was it all freakin’ worth it? You bet your ass it was!
To all my amazing girls, I simply love you!
Till next time,